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Well we do, I suppose. There are family and marriage counselors in every phone book in every city in America, I am sure. (Does anyone have a phone book anymore?)
We all know what an annual physical exam is like. In December, we began considering what an annual exam would look like in the dimensions of our lives other than physical.
Let’s imagine an annual family and marriage exam together.
Basic Family and Marriage Measurements
We know the easy-to-observe measures of physical health at an annual physical: height, weight, blood pressure, and so on. What would be the equivalent measures in our family and marriage?
Remember, we define the Family and Marriage Dimension as “…we are born into a family… marriage creates a family…we can be single by choice, death or divorce…we all have the potential of being a part of an extended family, committed relationship or community.” Here are some easy-to-observe basic measures of family and marriage health:
- Who are your closest family members?
- How often do you spend time with them?
(For those who are married):
- How long have you been married?
- When was the last time you spent an hour or more just talking with your spouse?
(For those with children):
- How many children do you have?
- When was the last significant outing you had with them? What did you do?
These are easy questions that can identify the current state of our family and marriage. How much time we spend with those closest to us in these crucial relationships is a good indicator of the basic health of the bonds.
Health Information
At a physical exam, the next step is a long battery of questions from a nurse and from the doctor on our current state of health: family history, physical and eating habits. You remember these, don’t you?
How would that look in a family and marriage checkup? A doctor or nurse of the family and marriage might ask:
- Tell me about the time you spend with your closest family members. What do you typically do?
- Do you have family members you consciously avoid?
(For those who are married):
- Describe a typical day’s engagement with your wife or husband.
- What things does your spouse do that particularly please you? What do you do that most pleases him or her?
- How does your spouse trigger strife with you? How do you trigger him or her?
(For those with children):
- How would your child describe the last time you spent with him or her? What were the circumstances of that interaction? What memories did you create?
- How often do you become angry with your children?
- What things most please your children?
The best of mentors will help people think through the quality of marriage and family relationships. An understanding of how the relationships are working on the surface will identify needed additional examination into specific areas where health may be suffering.
The Examination
Just as basic health information will cause a doctor to zero in on particular body parts and functions in an exam, understanding where a family or a marriage might be fraying will point a mentor to the best places to poke and probe, looking and listening to the inner workings of the relationships.
A doctor of the Family and Marriage Dimension might probe in these ways:
- Tell me about your last significant visit or engagement with your family. If you could describe it as a sound, what would that sound be? In what three ways would you like to see that relationship strengthened in the next five years?
- If you have family members you are avoiding, what causes your desire to avoid them? If you could change three things about them that would make them more desirable to be with, what would those be?
(For those who are married):
- Describe the last time you spent time with your wife as a taste. What would the taste be? Is this the most normal “taste” of your relationship, or are there others that describe normality?
- What four things would describe your ideal of what you want your marriage to be at the end of the next decade? What two steps can you take now to get started?
(For those with children):
- If your children could describe you as a band or orchestra instrument, which one would they choose? Which of your characteristics would cause them to make that choice? What instruments would you choose to describe them? What instruments would you like them to emulate? What can you do to get started on the road to transition?
Any set of questions that will help a person think through and identify the root strengths and areas for improving their relationships with family, spouse and children are useful for an annual checkup.
Lab Work
An annual physical exam most often includes a visit to the lab. Sometimes we wish we could draw a little blood and identify the health or immediate needs of our family relationships. Though this is impossible, an attentive Doctor of the Family and Marriage Dimension, though, will take the results of a checkup and spend some time thinking through the results:
- What issues may not have come to light that should?
- What else should we pursue?
- In what ways was my “patient” healthy in family relationships and in what ways are there signs of poor health?
- Did he or she show any signs of trying to conceal or deflect attention to a particular area of life?
Or, perhaps the doctor will see a need to seek out counsel from a trusted colleague over a particular matter that needs further attention.
Results
I suspect the population of us as family and marriage people would reflect the population of us as physical people: many of us are in good health, though everyone has some area they would agree could be better if given sufficient attention.
Some, perhaps, would show signs that need some follow up work and closer examination to discover the real picture of health in family relationships.
Others would also show signs of very significant issues that must be addressed immediately and may not have been discovered outside of the annual checkup.
But I Can’t Afford a Family and Marriage Therapist!
Perhaps. But there are many skilled mentors and many issues of family and marriage health may be addressed with a good whole-life mentor, particularly those just seeking a tune-up.
Need an annual Family and Marriage checkup? Find a good mentor.
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