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I mentor several men. Many of them are uncomfortable with or avoid the subject of emotions in mentoring as we begin to work through what it means to be a whole person in all 8 Dimensions of life. The best of mentors approach the subject head-on. Here are seven truths to consider in mentoring and being mentored:
Emotions in Mentoring: Everyone has them.
We men often do not think of ourselves as emotional creatures. Our dominant culture instills the message from early boyhood, “Real men don’t cry.” “Dry up those tears.” “Don’t be a baby.” All are imperatives with the same underlying cultural communication: “Don’t show your emotions. It’s not manly.”
It takes very little time to dispel this false narrative. Usually, I ask a few questions like, “In what ways have you been ticked or angry this week?” or “What fears, small to large, keep chasing you down?” or “How would you describe your reaction to the Bronco’s performance in the Super Bowl? [or fill in your own team and sport]” and most men recognize they do have emotions.
We are all emotional creatures. At LDG, we describe it as “one of the two functions of the amazing computer between our ears.” (The other is intellect. Stay tuned to our blog.)
Emotions are not bad.
The emotions we experience daily are a rich part of who we are as whole people. Because we are unique, the range of our emotions, how we present them, which we freely express and which we attempt to suppress all make up the lush uniqueness of who we are as whole people.
We often view joy as “good” and anger as “bad.” But is anger over widespread human massacre we are seeing in large swaths of today’s world “bad”? Is expressing joy over someone else’s tragedy—just because you don’t like them or their lifestyle—“good”? Every emotion can exhibit “good” or “bad” within the soul of a person. They are not, of themselves, bad.
Emotions are richly varied.
I love Robert Plutchik’s “Wheel of Emotions” and I use it in my own mentoring. It describes in a very visual way eight basic emotions and how we express them from sublime to strong. His depiction of emotions, besides being a wonderfully compelling piece of visual art, immediately shows how rich are the emotions that make up the whole of who we are.
Everyone can find him or herself on Plutchik’s wheel. Easily. Probably in some expression that has happened yesterday or today.
We are rich, unique, widely and wildly varied people. Our emotions add immeasurably to that variety.
Emotions affect the other Dimensions of our life.
Think of some other dimension of your own life. Have you seen emotions play out in good and not-so-good ways in that dimension?
We’ve all experienced annoyance, anger, maybe even rage affecting our family and marriage or our social relationships. Plus and minus emotions are simply, yet profoundly, a vital part of daily life.
For how many people did gripping fear become the primary influencer of financial decisions in the last economic recession?
How does serenity, joy, even ecstasy affect your creativity and sense of design or playfulness? How about sadness and grief?
How we experience and express our emotions heavily influence every one of the other seven of the 8 Dimensions of who we are as whole people.
Emotions are openings to the depths of a soul.
Emotions very often play the role of helping a mentor—and mentoree—find an opening into the deeper places of a person’s soul.
A person can tip off deep pain, often suppressed, by just a flicker of emotion associated with a question or subject offered. Or, that flash of joy that lights a face with just a mention of a topic can tell a mentor they have identified a place where the soul is deeply refreshed and nourished.
Emotions open these doors—sometimes just a crack and sometimes for just an instant. Mentors are wise to observe and perceive them.
Emotions offer a path to Deep-Change.
At Leadership Design Group, we call our mentoring, “Intentional, Deep-Change, Whole-Life, Transformational” mentoring.
Because emotions offer openings to the depth of a soul, the best of mentors can find ways to help his or her mentorees explore these depths in ways that they have not been able to on their own. In exploring them, they most often are able to discover the keys to the Deep-Change possible from one who is being mentored as a Whole Person.
A Whole Person sees, understands, controls, and expresses emotion.
The best of mentors seek to help their mentorees thrive as whole people in every one of the 8 Dimensions of their lives. Emotions are one of those dimensions.
Emotions make up a major portion of the rich diversity of who we are as individual and unique beings. They are to be embraced and not avoided.
They affect—sometimes deeply—every one of the other 8 Dimensions of our life. Seeing, understanding, developing and controlling how our emotions influence those other dimensions help us live and thrive as whole people.
The best of mentors will help those they mentor explore their emotions at the depths of where those emotions will take them. In doing this, we see Deep-Change and real Transformation occur in ways that make people thrive.
How have you seen emotions affect those you mentor? As a mentor, how does being aware of your own emotions help you become the mentor you were designed to be?
Let’s continue the discussion.
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