Elder Mentoring: Mentoring in the Third 3rd of Life

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Photo courtesy of Victor Bezrukov

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This is an excellent question and one we hear often when talking about life-long mentoring. “Elder mentoring” doesn’t make any sense in the normal definition of mentoring. After all, mentoring is an older, more experienced person helping someone walk the path I have walked, right? Well, yes…and no.

The Three3rds of Life

At Leadership Design Group, we encourage mentoring throughout the Three3rds of Life. The First 3rd aligns with life’s first three decades: 0-10, 11-20, and 21-30. In this 3rd, we are formed in most of the ways that will characterize our life and personality. We are primarily future-focused in this 3rd: what will we be? What will be our vocation? With whom will we share life?

The Second 3rd (31-60), we divide into two sections we call “Realization” and “Achievement”. For most people, these are the decades of full understanding of our purpose in life and achieving (or perhaps in some areas not achieving) the major objectives of that purpose. The busy-ness, responsibilities and burdens of this 3rd make it largely present-focused: what do I need to be doing now to achieve my life’s purpose in all the 8 Dimensions of who I am?

In the Third 3rd (61-“whenever”), we tend toward a focus on the past: who hasn’t heard the characterization of two old soldiers…or steelworkers…or housewives…sitting on the porch in rocking chairs reminiscing of the “old days?” How would mentoring occur in this setting? Does it even make sense?

The Third 3rd

Let’s belay a direct answer to that question for a few paragraphs and explore what the “Third 3rd” looks like. We find that it also has three parts. These parts could be defined by decades: (61-70, 71-80, and 81-“whenever”) but that would be highly inaccurate.  In reality, we all will pass through these sub-phases at different paces. My father turned 99 last week, so his Third 3rd is larger and longer than his first two 3rds. (Fortunately, he is quite content with this mathematical impossibility. Neither he nor I were particularly strong in math.)

Helping Others. The first portion of this 3rd we term “helping others.” Those entering the Third 3rd of life are uniquely positioned to help others who are beginning to walk the paths they have already trod. Many people become grandparents in the early part of their Third 3rd. Who doesn’t enjoy helping a young grandson or granddaughter find his or her way in the world while at the same time helping a new parent explore that emerging and un-experienced role? Many of the best life mentors emerge from this part of the Third 3rd.

Needing Help From Others. At whatever age it occurs, we will all reach a point where we find we are no longer able to do things we have done all of our lives and will need others’ help to do them.

I remember going to help my Aunt Edith pick avocados from the tree in her yard a couple of years ago. We had heard from my mother that her 90-year old sister was going to climb a ladder and pick them herself! We arrived at her house and agreed with her that now would be a good time to allow us to come alongside her and help do what she had done herself all her life. Knowing my aunt as I do, she likely was grumbling to herself when we left, “I don’t know why those boys think I can’t take care of myself.”

The hard reality, though, is that we will all eventually need help.

Depending on Others. At some point, most of us will find ourselves very dependent—for some totally dependent—on others at the latter part of our Third 3rd. This can be a difficult road but it is the inevitable path for all of us who share the human experience in a broken world.

Elder Mentoring: Navigating the Third 3rd

Helping Others. At Leadership Design Group, we encourage men and women in the “Helping Others” phase of the Third 3rd to be active in mentoring. People at this stage are uniquely able to help others who are coming along behind them in every Dimension of the Circle of Life.

We also encourage them to be mentored. This is an excellent time to find an older mentor and begin to explore what the path from Helping Others to Needing Help from Others looks like and to prepare oneself for that phase in every dimension of life.

Mentoring in this phase should strongly encourage both: helping others and looking to the future.

Needing Help From Others. In this phase, mentoring the next generation can continue apace, but being mentored is likely to look a bit different.

Mentoring someone who is navigating the difficult steps from “helping” to “needing help” can come from someone older, to be sure, but very often we will begin to be mentored by someone younger on walking this path.

Crucial forms of mentoring in this phase will be helping someone understand that they need help and learn to accept help. At the same time, the mentor in this relationship will want to understand and affirm one’s ability to remain independent and self-sufficient in as many ways as possible.

Depending on Others. In this phase, traditional mentoring from someone older and more experienced is, of course, not possible. Mentoring in this phase is focused on helping someone accept necessary dependence and prepare to finish well.

We are only beginning to explore what mentoring looks like in the final two portions of the Third 3rd. Will you join us in the conversation?

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